......On Love And A By now you know I am a Nigerian- Born, 'bread'
and 'ewa-agoined' in Lagos, Nigeria.
And oh, I have been in love, with people, places
and the good things of life. Now to the topic of
discourse..
I once told my friend that when a Nigerian talks
about love, he never really understands love in
the context of relationship and marriage.
Even our ancestors did not buy into the sham
called love in the contexts mentioned above...
****
200 years ago, in one remote village in Nigeria...
Bala went on a journey to a land far away, and
returned home with 18year old maiden named
yejide. No questions asked, no fanfare, no
useless and unnecessary profession of love and
whatnot, no shawarma, no trips to the mall, no
lies...
Bala and his maiden bride, lived happily ever
after.
Bala became a successful cocoa farmer, with
12-15 children sired from his loins...
Let us not forget that Bala probably married
other wives and never slacked in his duties as a
husband, father and head of the home...
Bala probably never mouthed the word love, yet
he lived with his wives in peace and
contentment.
****
Two years ago, Lekki, Nigeria.
Freda met Jude inside one of the many shops at
Spar...
'Cheiii, see this clean guy, designers from specs
to shoes, nice hair-cut, sweet skin-tone...God pls
let him look at him...oh God! I love him already'
Freda mused within while pretending not to see
Jude. She then stylishly turns her backside to
him, ensuring that her well proportioned 'Ukwu' is
in Jude's line of vision.
Then the Ukwu catches Jude's eyes...(Pls note,
the Ukwu, not Freda's character, caught Jude's
eyes)
'Oh my god! Baba, see yansh, if I no knack this
babe, make I die...na my food be this one'
Meanwhile, Jude has a fiancée, a girlfriend at his
work-place, a side-chick and Chinwe, the FWB.
So, Freda meets Jude and in the course of
talking and gisting, they mention LOVE a
thousand times, over and over again.
They exchange pings and buzzes, send a million
emojis, Jude dazzles Freda with his cash and
swag while Freda swings from cowgal to 'kukere'
on the king-sized bed.
Pls, don't ask me what Jude and Freda are up to
right now...We all know Jude will not get married
until he is nearing 60, when there are a million
Fredas asking for his 'Love' and then maybe
there's no job ( Ok, pls blame Jonathan) or
perhaps Freda's wife-material can barely sew a
blouse ( forget the love they claim to share) or
maybe, just maybe, one pastor somewhere saw a
vision that Jude's wife is fair-skinned...If Freda
is dark-skinned, then love will frizzle into thin
air...
And Freda just realized she is nearing 40 and her
biological clock is about to crash ( No, she can
not change the battery)... So she no longer loves
Jude...
Oh! She even blocked him on whatsapp...end of
story.
****
2 weeks ago, somewhere in Nigeria, two people
meet on an online forum and 'fell' in 'love'.
They exchanged PMs, flirt and cat-fished each
other to Jerusalem and back. Then finally, they
meet...
Boy: Oh! You are so lovely. I love you so much. I
will marry you. I feel like I have met you since
forever.
Girl: I love you too. Yes, I will marry you.
Boy: I love you
Girl: I loved you first.
Boy: I love you.
Girl: I love you and I want you.
Boy: I love you.
Girl: I love you ( insert 'kiss' smiley ten times).
They have sex (though they say it's making
love).
They profess love over and over again like
mentally-challenged oafs.
****
Three years later, they are still dating...Ten years
later, their engagement and wedding ring, lay in
chibuzor's shop in Balogun market, waiting to be
bought.
And they keep on dating and dating and dating till
eternity....
****
Okay, for some gals- love equals how many
shawarma you can buy, and how much you have
to spend. For some, they will love you by
washing your entire house, cooking Onugbu,
Ogbolo, Masa, Jollof rice, and cat-fish pepper
soup just to increase their wife-material...
Some men will love you only when your yansh is
in the air, and you will hear them yelling their
love as they cum all over your destiny.
Some will love with all their heart, introduce you
to their folks, help you loosen your dirty braids,
and even buy you a BB Z200...But please, love
will not stop them from slapping your mouth till
you bleed if you irk them a bit or straffing the gal
down the street.
*****
Nigerians are good people, they look out for
each other, welcome strangers, they help the old
to cross busy roads, return 12 million naira found
in Airport toilets. Nigerians are hard working,
peaceful and very open. But please, can we all
go back and ask our aged folks, elders and
kinsmen what they said in place of 'love'.
Because as it is...
Our brand of LOVE in Nigeria can barely cross
from Osun to Nnewi.
Our brand of LOVE sees and appreciate facial
beauty to character.
Our brand of LOVE do not respect poor husbands
but can take kicks and blows from rich
husbands. Forget the lies about staying for the
children, if Baba Biliki was a Vulcanizer, you will
not think twice before kicking his ass out.
Our brand of LOVE do not understand marriage
vows, some would say the vow today and drive
to pekas tomorrow to pick up the 'fair sisters'.
I am NOT sorry to say this, love in the context of
relationships and marriage is not a Nigerian
thing. My opinion...
Sometimes, a man will genuinely love a gal but
then the guy's mother who is from Anambra will
not let him bring a Delta girl home... Not even a
gal from Imo. They can love from Gaza to
Namibia, love in Nigeria do NOT cross
boundaries!
But surprisingly, a Nigerian Man can bring home
his ancestors age-mate from the United States,
and his mother will forget that Texas is farther
than the city in Ogun state where she had earlier
rejected the bride that dared to love her son.
They say love in Tokyo, not love in Nigeria after
all.
****
Then if the guy is unlucky enough to be Hausa,
and the gal's father is a very 'holy' Man of
God...Then, they should fling their love in the
nearest lagoon....In my country, if you truly want
to love when your traditions and folks are not
smiling, you simply elope. Gather your mat and
bride, and flee to Egypt...If you send foreign
money some years later, they will forgive you and
hop the nearest bus to find Western Union
Money Transfer.
****
Still on the matter......Maybe,
40 years later, somewhere in the Mega city of
Lagos, Nigeria. ( Yes, Nigeria..or you think
there's Biafra and Arewa Republic? )
Amy meets Kamalu in the electric train plying
Ikorodu to Berger....
Kamalu: How are you ma'am?
Amy: Fine, thank you.
Kamalu: Where are you from?
Amy: Nigeria.
Kamalu: Cool, me too. I work at Chevron.
Amy: I am a tailor.
Kamalu: It's a pleasure meeting you.
They exchange numbers and plan to meet again.
**
After about five dates....
Kamalu: You are really nice and homely, will you
give me 3 babies?
Amy: *blushes* Why not?
Kamalu: Ok. Let's meet at Orions clinic. I will
have them freeze my sperm. When you get there,
just mention my name and they will collect your
eggs.
Amy: Okay.
Deal sealed. No mention of love or marriage or
all these yamayama lie lie things.
Lol (Pls, I wasn't laughing at all when I said
that, the same way I don't feel anything when I
type - 'I love you' )
Everyone is saying it, no be only me waka come.
****
Seriously, I really wish people can come out
clean and define what they want from the get-
go. You want to knack a gals bum, tell her
(promise marriage and thunder will fire you).
You see a nice homey girl, groom her and table
your desires before her, work on yourselves and
take a vow to cherish and truly love..(Pls, you
can not love Chinwe and Bola and Augusta and
Sumaiya all at once, fear God na).
You want to attend pekas-fellowship and
Ashewo-community your entire life, brother, pls
do. Your kini is your own to use as you deem fit.
But don't turn that gal who truly wants you into a
tramp. And don't get married, if your kini has
been ordained from heaven to render community-
service. (There's no crime in staying single, don't
mind the noise in the market)
You see a guy that you fancy, he fancies you too
and starts to woo you. Decide what you want, do
you want to settle with a man, or you desire you
to be gang-messed by the entire male
community, all in the name of 'big-gal', your
name is on the register of every club..
You want to pull a Toke-Makinwa on every party
organizer...
Pls, sister...decide what you want. It's your life
after all.
But pls, don't get married if you still desire your
ex's anaconda or you are not inclined to love
and truly love.
*****
Yes..true love exist in Nigeria, as long as people
still build and visit orphanages, give to the poor,
help the helpless and homeless, look out for
neighbours and basically, show love and respect
others.
But shouldn't we all be thinking more of mutual-
respect, trust, loyalty, self-respect/preservation,
moral values and mutual-interests...instead of
professing LOVE that we don't even understand.
Shouldn't we be asking our 'fathers' what they
told our 'mothers' back in the days before the
'oyinbos' crossed the rivers to land on our
shores.
Choiiii!
'Megida, I love you so much'
Meanwhile, what she loves is his looks, his cars,
his cash and his spending-abilities'
'Rebecca, I will never leave you for any other'
Meanwhile, his spirit already left his body to visit
Mary.. and the desk in his office is scarred with
the indents of several female butt-shapes.
How do we all mouth 'I love you' in Nigeria and
still manage to keep a straight face.
Even the not-so-good-looking Sister Mary in
DLCM is nearing 50, and no man has seen her in
his dreams or approached her. Pls, we know the
Holy-spirit does not discriminate, so tell me, why
is Sister Mary not married! Why?
Love kooo, love niiiii...
Say you like me and I'll smile and say thank you
but you meet me today and you say you LOVE
me and you are a NIGERIAN....
*Blood of Jesus*
******
This is my opinion....Comments and contributions
are welcome.
Please like and share.
Thank you.
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