As I travel around, one thing I love to do
is play the part of a ‘secret shopper’
and visit as many places as possible.
Churches are not spared from my
mischievous itinerary.
Sunday morning arrived, I
spontaneously jumped into a rickety
danfo in my 3-inch heels with the aim of
attending any random church that
catches my fancy on the streets of Lagos.
As our danfo plied along the Oshodi-
Ikeja expressway, I saw churches like
The Church of Latter Day Saints, Rhema,
Kingdom Hall, MFM, Solid Rock, TREM
and the likes beckoning to me but I still
couldn’t yell at the driver to halt the
vehicle.
We approached Kingsway Bustop when a
passenger received a phone call and told
her caller she was by COZA.
The famous COZA I have heard and read
a lot about.
The excitement I felt almost flung me out
of the bus window. I knew if I didn’t
alight there, I might spend the next seven
days wallowing in regrets.
* * *
I pulled into the parking lot in my
leggedes benz. At the church entrance,
there were about 10 people standing by a
mini staircase and each of them clapped
and cheered me enthusiastically with
cries of “COZA celebrates you! COZA
celebrates you!” as I walked in.
“Hah! But my birthday was on June 25th
na.” I made an attempt to argue but
swallowed my words immediately.
It was praise and worship session.
People were standing and singing
“♬Imela Ezeimo♬” while a handsome
male usher with jollof rice coloured lips
politely leaded me to a seat in the mid
row of the auditorium.
Before grace found me, I used to create a
scene with ushers and keep a bulldog
face with the pastor throughout the
service if I am dissatisfied with my seat
location but with that COZA’s usher pink
lips, even if he leads me to sit where
LAWMA dumps their refuse, I would
follow!
The session which followed was
testimony session and I made a solemn
determination to walk up to the altar
and testify of my healing from cough
and tse tse fly sleeping sickness.
Before I could find my feet, the altar was
already filled with members who pre-
registered their testimony. This was
evident cos a nice portrait of them and a
brief summary of their testimonies
appeared on the church media screens.
I adjusted in my seat and paid attention.
Oh boy! Check out intimidating
testimonies in nice accents.
Each testimony ranged from
thanksgiving to God for a huge contract,
testimony of a dream job/job promotion
(The jobs they are sharing in COZA. I
receive my own miracle job in Jesus
Name. Amen) and thanksgiving for
supernatural healing from high class
diseases like cancer etc.
There is God in COZA oh!
Aint nobody gat time to listen to a
touching cough story or the razz
testimonies I’m used to like deliverance
from village witches/wizards, healing
from purging sickness, or thanksgiving
for the reduction in the price of garri
from N35 to N30 per cup.
A long and intense prayer session
followed next with a fantastic 50 minutes
sermon from one of the pastors. I’d be a
liar if I say I was not blessed.
Offering and tithes session was
announced as people hurriedly trooped
out in numbers to pay their tithes.
A bright yellow high current bulb shone
on me and I turned towards the light
only to realise it was IK Ogbonna’s
shine-shine head.
IK, my crush since October 2nd, 1960.
I had barely recovered from my
excitement when Alex Ekubo, my crush
No.2 since the days of Nebuchadnezzar
joined him at the altar.
All I thought of was how I was going to
subtly apply my MaryKay powder tucked
in my purse right in the house of God
and also reapply an extra coating of my
blood red lipstick without the ushers
dragging me out to be delivered of
witchcraft. Ironically, that was when the
church cameraman was focused on me.
Arggghhhhhh!!!
Alex and Ik were done with their tithes
and they just walked past me without
saying ‘hi baby’ while my eyelashes were
batting in frustration. These celebrities
don’t have conscience I tell ya.
During offering time, a basket was
passed along each column and it hurt me
that no one scattered skelewu from North
to the West of the Church like it happens
in some churches I have visited. I would
have happily danced to where Ik and
Alex sat and displayed my 10 years
experience in makossa for them.
The last agenda was a call for first time
visitors. Everyone cheered and clapped
while a huge crowd of JohnnyJustCome’s
walked up to the altar.
I couldn’t believe Alex Ekubo and IK
Ogbonna were applauding me just
because I went to church. All these sort
of fanfare when I was yet to showcase
my talents to the world.
I wished my parents were present to
witness this day we used to envisage.
Everything would have been perfect but
sadly, I was still in my seat, cheering and
clapping the most for my fellow JJC’s.
Didn’t I tell you guys Naijasinglegirl is
shy AF?
Each of the first time visitors were
handed a paper bag containing goodies.
It better not be a gold plated iphone5
inside that bag or I won’t forgive myself
for not going out. I swore regrettably.
“Ermm…what’s inside that bag?” I asked
the girl seated beside me in my usual
amebo manner.
“So you’re a first timer? You should have
gone out then.” She replied sarcastically.
“My friend you better tell me what is
inside that bag or I would just hide at the
church bush after service, ambush one
first timer, hijack his goodies bag and
run into Oshodi.” I threatened .
Service came to an end and I was still
smiling in my seat, enjoying the church
AC like one mumu.
Reality dawned on me.
Jesus Christ! Alex and IK were leaving.
I grabbed my purse and pursued them.
I got so close to Alex that I could smell
his cologne when the beautiful Sharon
Ojong suddenly emerged from nowhere
and pulled Alex hands….leaving me
stranded.
“SHARON! LET GO OF HIS HANDS YOU
ENEMY OF PROGRESS” I cursed in
frustration but no sound came out of my
mouth.
Ik Ogbonna was nowhere to be found
either.
I scouted the arena for another celebrity
to take Instagram selfie with but found
none.
I accepted my fate and went to recoup
from the day’s event on the bonnet of
one sleek red car in the parking lot.
“Helloooo, could you please move your
car so I could pull out.” One fine girl
motioned to me in an American accent.
My God! See my age mate with better
motor.
“Oh! My car….” I muttered abstractly.
Being the dramaqueen that I am, I
searched frantically in my purse for my
nonexistent car keys.
“Oh my Goodness! my keyyssss must
have fallen outta my purse.” I cried out
in a LOUD & CLEAR British accent.
“Awww…I’ll just wait for the owner of
this other car to come pull out then.” She
consoled me.
Its only fair I have a fine red car like
that since I couldn’t have the men of my
dreams abi?
Fifteen minutes after, I was inside one
body odour stricken molue heading
home.
Would I love to visit COZA again?
Absolutely!
Does COZA owe me an iPhone5?
Yup!
Does Alex, Ik & Sharon owe me an
Instagram selfie?
Hell yeah!
Have you read other of my first time
experiences in strange places?
First time on a plane , First time in a
prayer house , First time in a birthday
party. In short, read the whole damn
blog.
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